Pills Don’t Teach Skills

Maybe Bachman-Turner Overdrive (BTO), the Canadian rock group from Winnipeg, Manitoba that enjoyed a string of hit albums and singles in the 1970’s had it right when they wrote the hit song…. Looking Out For #1.

It went a little like this:

“Every day is an endless train
You’ve got to ride it to the end of the line
Be a troubleshooter
Blow the bad luck away
And you will make it to your station on time
And you’ll find out every trick in the book
That there’s only one way to get things done
You’ll find out the only way to the top
Is looking out for number one
I mean you
Keep looking out for number one”

Well, it might actually come across as a bit selfish depending on how you interpret the song. However, one thing I’ve learned in the success of dealing with ADD, is you really do have to take care of yourself first. In fact, I think that holds true for anyone, whether you have ADD or not.

I don’t mean taking care of you first in a selfish sense. I refer to it in a way where you need to prioritize how you live your life and what you need….to ensure you are capable of creating a healthy and well adjusted self that will give in many ways.

You may be a father, a monther, a boss at the office, a teacher, a friend, a spouse or a son. No matter what or who you are, there are likely many people counting on you. Your employees may be looking to you for guidance, your children might need that attention and love our kids crave. Your spouse just may need you to listen and support them tonight through a crisis and your best friend could call upon you for the smallest little bit of help. If YOU are not taking care of YOU, how can you give to others?? How can you effectively manage, support or parent?

All too often we are pulled in too many directions and many people just can’t say no. A typical ADD’er is usually challenged by this and the most important person they need to support and take care of is neglected. That person is themselves.

Ensuring you take care of you, is priority #1. Taking care of you means many different things to everyone. In my case, it means exercising regularly, self growth and learning, organization and prioritizing. It also includes giving me time for me, to relax, think and sometimes something as simple as a nap.

Chances are there is someone demanding your time and attention. You probably have people relying on you and need to give a lot of yourself. You simply can’t give and support the people around you and in your life if you aren’t taking care of yourself first. Looking out for #1 isn’t selfish. Looking out for #1 is taking care of you, which in turn means you can give effectively to others. What is the point of giving ineffectively or unproductively to others?

Looking out for #1 makes you a better person, for you and the people you interact with. Don’t ever forget what YOU need, to be YOU.

For most ADD’ers, you probably have experienced or seen energy levels and hyperactivity that are enough to power a rocket!! I can tell you first hand, ADD fuels me so full of energy and vigor it’s hard to imagine anything or anyone slowing me down sometimes.

I’m able to take on large situations, am adventurous, courageous, live outside of boundaries (sometimes foolishly), am ambitious and can do many projects at once. In fact, you’ll find a great list at ADD Adult Coach Pete Quily’s web site called Positive Characteristics of People with Attention Deficit Disorder, detailing 151 positive things about having ADD
http://www.addcoach4u.com/positivesofadd.html#positives

With all these wonderfully positive traits of having ADD, there looms one large negative that can derail the positivity of any train. The evil I speak of is none other than……………your own off switch.

Just like the light switch on the wall that turns a light off and on, we all have our own internal off switch too. Anatomically speaking, our off switches are a little different than the picture above, but it sure would be great if we had an easily accessible off switch, maybe on the arm or back of the head under some hair.

I am guilty of a common trait of ADD’ers, that being trying to do too much. While I am ambitious and can do many projects at once…… this is also combined with kids, work, relationships, time for me and everything else life tosses my way. Where is my breaking point? When is it too much? Can you answer these questions when thinking about your life?

We all must recognize when its time to flip that internal off switch and slow down. Not understanding when it is time to slow down will result in a lack of productivity, over committing, becoming run down, illness and really exposes the traits of ADD in negative ways that impact our lives. Not switching off is like taking care of everyone and everything around you, except you.

Your off switch could mean you will meditate, or go for a walk, maybe you will hit the gym for a work out. You may even realize its just time to flop onto the couch and shut the world out. What ever you need to do to flip your off switch, recognize when you need to do this. Understanding you and recognize when you need down time. It’s a very important element in managing ADD, trust me……I’ve learned that the hard way

I have posted similarly to this in the past and after sitting down last night to do my month end self analysis, I simply wanted to share this with my regular and new readers. I get tremendous value out of this monthly exercise. If you have ADD or know someone who does, perhaps the same value I get from this exercise can also be experienced by you….or a person you know.

At the end of every month, do a review of how my month went based on the following:

Work Pace – did I balance my work/personal life properly (quality of life)?

What Went Well – identify what I did well this month and understand why.

What Didn’t Go Well – be aware of what did not go well and why this occurred.

Kids – reflect on my relationship with the kids, what was successful, challenging, rewarding, frustrating etc?

Most Beneficial Thing – what was the one single thing that offered me the greatest personal level of satisfaction this month? Why?

Biggest Challenge – what was the most challenging event of the month? How did it impact me and how can it be avoided next time?

Win-Win – What situations was I involved in where my efforts could have been better and benefited all?

Patience – Did I lack patience in a particular experience? Where did I show patience successfully?

Defensiveness – was I defensive or over reactive in any situations? If yes, why?

Dealing with Change – What changed? Why did it change? How did I handle it?

Familiarity – Is my familiarity crossing the line of complacency? Is it OK or do I need to shake it up a bit?

Thoughtfulness – what thoughtful actions or comments did I experience? Was it me? Was it someone else?

Being Spontaneous – did I loosen up and just roll with it, live on the edge a little?

Yes, your ego………not your Eggo. I still remember the Eggo Waffles commercial from when I was a kid and the household advertising phrase most families became familiar with, “lego-my-Eggo”.

One thing I have learned to do and was reminded of recently, was to lego-my-ego, or in simple terms, let go of my ego. Like many ADD’ers, the challenge of ego and narcissism is common. While we can become good at dealing with that challenge and can learn to be a more self aware, we do need to keep this challenge in check.

Ego and narcissism are two very interesting words, so I decided to start with the good folks at Dictionary.com.

The first word is ego (e•go–noun, plural e•gos.) and is defined in six ways, however I like two of their definitions in particular;
1. egotism; conceit; self-importance: Her ego becomes more unbearable each day.
2. self-esteem or self-image; feelings: Your criticism wounded his ego.

The second word is narcissism (nar•cis•sism –noun) and is defined as;
1. inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.

If you are challenged by ADD or know someone who is, I have found the exercise of self evaluation to be very effective. To be able to step back and look at myself, or review my actions and comment. This process is valuable and important in ensuring the ego does not get in the way. A false sense of being, of who we are is driven by an egotistical state, narcissism if you will.

You may have heard the phrase “check your ego at the door”. It is so true, there is no room inside any building, club, space or social situation for egotism. Narcissism and egotism are typically defense mechanisms for individuals to compensate or cover up a weakness or problem they have. They are afraid.

Behind an ADD’er who displays narcissism and egotism to compensate for a personal weakness or problem, there is a good possibility you will find an ADD’er who desperately wants to express, communicate and have people understand them. Sometimes, people need help and other times, by looking in the mirror the challenge can be overcome.

I encourage you to not only challenge yourself by looking in the mirror, but also to not be afraid to reach out and ask for the help and support of others. That additional external perspective can be educational, progressive, rewarding………and humbling.

All this talk of egos has made me hungry!! Time to break out the blueberry Eggos and maple syrup.

These are some common ADD/ADHD communication behaviors. I came across this list at http://www.addresources.org and really liked it.

Whether you are impacted by ADD or someone you communicate with is…………there are some pretty good points noted here that you just might be able to relate to.

• Not talking—often from preoccupation with internal thoughts, feelings, worries. we create intimacy by communicating with each other. Intimacy: “into-me-see”
• Impulsivity—can be a good thing because it is helpful to know where your partner really stands on issues, what their real thoughts and feelings are. Sometimes, poor impulse control can get the ADHD person in trouble over and over again—when you speak your mind at the wrong time. open mouth, insert foot. to control: breathe, think first, think slowly, then speak. One way ADHD people try to show their partner they are listening is to finish their sentences for them. Good intentions, but often leads to frustration.
• Subject changing—very common. Big problem. Because nothing ever gets resolved. neither partner feels heard, neither partner feels significant and neither partner knows how you got from point a to point z.
• Low self-esteem—after a lifetime of feeling criticized and ridiculed, defensive behavior results. Being told for years that you are not good enough creates a defensive way of communicating. feeling like you always have to defend yourself—whether or not anyone is accusing you of anything—you spend a lot of time and energy developing your case, so to speak. and, not nearly enough time listening to what your partner has to say.
• Pressured speech—rapid fire constant talking. Difficult for partner to get a word in edge wise. the need to get all the information out there, all at once for fear of forgetting something (especially common with the hyperactive/impulsive type). Often unaware of other person’s need in the conversation. Become monologue. Person with ADHD often thinks out loud. speaks what they are thinking. Serves the purpose of self-stimulation.
• Not remaining focused—not being present when partner is talking due to mind wandering/daydreaming. TV, computer, kids distract.
• Obsessive thinking—getting stuck in thinking to the exclusion of everything else (In the brain, it’s an overactive cingulate gyrus).
• Not receiving the intended message—misinterpreting comments, feeling attacked. ( in the brain, it’s the temporal lobe that is creating this problem). The brain can confuse incoming information.
• Brain melt-down—usually 1 of 2 things happen. Either a person can become totally stressed and the ADHD person shuts down, or the stimulation can prolong the conflict. both cause problems. a person has difficulty sorting through and taking in information. ADHD person walks away. best thing to do is to give space, physically and emotionally, to gather thoughts and regroup.
• Conflict-seeking behavior—stimulation seeking. “adrenaline junkie”—”i like to be angry, I feel good when I’m angry.” Not good for relationships.

So, is ADD to be blamed for the downfall and difficulties in relationships with an ADD’r and Non-ADD’r? On occasion yes, however most of the time it’s not the ADD that causes the problem, instead it is how the couple chooses to deal or not deal with the diagnosis of ADD.

I can reflect back through my divorce and see glaring examples of a couple back then who simply didn’t know how to communicate and deal with the challenge of ADD, or of a relationship in general. Thank goodness I can look back……laugh, and say that I learned from my process.

Today, after having worked hard on who I am and having a good understanding of my strengths and weaknesses, I have a completely different tool box of tools to help me succeed and maintain a healthy happy adult relationship. Sometimes, a Non-ADD spouse feels the pressure of being the main organizer, cleaner, cooker, bill payer and much more. Sometimes, the hyperactive ADD’r takes all this on. No matter what situation a couple may be experiencing, these differences need to be communicated and worked on constantly with many others. Each partner should and can be contributing to the marriage with their strengths.

I’m sure we all realize that, couples in which one spouse assumed that the other has ADD, yet the partner refuses treatment and lives in denial are by far the most difficult. For those couples that are working to find a way of creating a harmonious life together, I urge you to continue and never give up. The good things in life are worth a good fight!

Maybe it’s her shoes, or his shoes. ADD, sympathy and empathy………sounds like a good link, or an example of connecting the dots. It’s a common known fact that many ADD’ers will experience a challenge when trying to be empathetic or sympathetic. The good news, this challenge can be overcome and I’m living proof of that!! So are many others.

If you think you feel just like another person, are you feeling empathy? If you just feel sorry for another person, are you feeling sympathy? At times you might find yourself in a position in which you’re with someone who doesn’t have the same viewpoint as you. I know I have. In fact I just had a get together with one. At least I enjoyed the drink (ha-ha).

While trying to feel just like another person or feel sorry for another person is a practice that many people use to better understand a situation or viewpoint, it is not always what it appears to be. I’ve developed a process that takes me a little deeper into a situation and helps me to really understand what is happening on the other side of the fence, to use an analogy.

A great example would be the get together I just had, which I referred to above. Basically, I found myself in a situation where I could not grasp what this person was trying to express. I took a different thought process of internally questioning every thing, such as any person or outcome that could possibly be impacted by this persons view point. That really helped me to dive deeper into truly understanding the many aspects of the situation and what the impact of that situation could be elsewhere.

For me, simply trying to feel sympathetic or empathetic is about digging deeper and questioning inside myself…….. the unknown factor of who, what, why, where and when? On occasion, the right situation will allow you to ask those questions out load. Trying to look at another person’s perspective or situation on one level is a hard thing to do. I like to look at that person’s perspective or situation on many different levels.

Remember, a situation is not always what it appears to be. A man was driving home from work one day, he stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near his home. As he sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, he asked one of the boys what the score was. “We’re behind 14 to nothing,” the boy answered with a smile. “Really,” said the man. “I have to say you don’t look very discouraged”. “Discouraged?” the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. “Why should we be discouraged? We haven’t been up to bat yet”.

The phrase “pills don’t teach skills” is one of the most accurate and impacting statements I’ve heard during my period of dealing with ADD. Not a bad name for a Blog either!! It took a while for me to understand and truly grasp the impact of this statement. I read it, I heard it from two doctors and my ADD coach.

So, what exactly did I need to do? I needed to completely understand my challenges, how they impacted me and overcome them. There were two steps I took in order to overcome my challenges, 1. start medication and 2. learning and maintaining new life skills. Taking medication, that was the easy part. I did very well with that, the pill went in my mouth and down it went with a quick sip of water. Joking aside, that was just the beginning and the medication allowed my brain to be ready to learn and retain new skills. This is of course a simplified description of what occurred.

Once I started my medication, I began the hardest part of my learning, I became consumed by coaching, books, internet research, practicing news skills and dedicating myself to beating ADD. I opened up to as many possible ways to beat ADD as possible. Unfortunately, many people will resist looking inward. I had to come up with the courage to look at myself inside and improve how I reacted outside my body and mind. Here is what I focused on over an intense two year period:

- Self Awareness
- Coaching
- Books
- Listening
- Speaking
- Relationships
- Thinking
- Managing Stress
- Exercise/Nutrition
- Relaxing
- Working
- Children/Parenting

After focusing on all these areas of self improvement intensely for two years in combination with medication, I started to see and feel results. Many of the things that challenged me no longer did or the impact was lessened. I finally felt like all of my work and efforts were being rewarded. The amount of effort, time and dedication I channeled in to working through ADD had paid off and I understood the often heard phrase, “pills don’t teach skills”.

If you are old enough to remember or you are a music fan, “Communication Breakdown” is a song by English rock band Led Zeppelin, from their 1969 debut album Led Zeppelin. It was one of the first songs that Jimmy Page and Robert Plant worked on together.

I think we’ve all had some communication breakdowns at various points of our lives and in relationships. When I reflect back on my past, I can see where ADD affected the various relationships in my life, be it personal or business. However, there were both positive and negative ways my relationships were impacted.

Most people with ADD are creative, offer high levels of energy and are also spontaneous. These traits or characteristics bring many wonderful things into a relationship. What a person with ADD needs to be aware of, is that typical ADD’ers can lack communication skills, will interrupt others and can be forgetful. Ultimately, this impacts communication in any relationship.

According to About.com, the most often heard complaint about relationships with an ADD’er, is that person refuses to seek treatment. I feel fortunate for having sought treatment and developing the necessary skills and thought processes to communicate effectively. In my experience, I found there were a number of key areas that I worked on which have delivered benefits, such as:
- Learning to listen
- Listening without interrupting
- Being more empathetic
- Learning more about a situation or topic being communicated with an individual
- Learning that a slower well thought out response is worth the wait, instead of a quick inaccurately relayed message (a.ka. foot in mouth)

All simple things, but challenges that are typical for most ADD’ers to be aware of and work on. If an ADD’er can harness their creative, energetic and spontaneous nature, they can be hard to stop on the road to success!!

It’s healthy to be able to laugh at yourself sometimes. Charles Schulz the creator of the Charlie Brown/Peanuts comic strip once said “If I were given the opportunity to present a gift to the next generation, it would be the ability for each individual to learn to laugh at himself.” So, lets start now…here is an ADD joke for you;

Two ADDers were sitting at the table of the local diner. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

“I got a cookbook once,” said one, “but I could never do anything with it.”

“Too much fancy work in it, eh?” asked the other.

“You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way: ‘Take a clean dish…’”

Lots more ADD jokes to chuckle at on this site.
http://user.cybrzn.com/~kenyonck/add/add_jokes.htm