Pills Don’t Teach Skills

Maybe it’s her shoes, or his shoes. ADD, sympathy and empathy………sounds like a good link, or an example of connecting the dots. It’s a common known fact that many ADD’ers will experience a challenge when trying to be empathetic or sympathetic. The good news, this challenge can be overcome and I’m living proof of that!! So are many others.

If you think you feel just like another person, are you feeling empathy? If you just feel sorry for another person, are you feeling sympathy? At times you might find yourself in a position in which you’re with someone who doesn’t have the same viewpoint as you. I know I have. In fact I just had a get together with one. At least I enjoyed the drink (ha-ha).

While trying to feel just like another person or feel sorry for another person is a practice that many people use to better understand a situation or viewpoint, it is not always what it appears to be. I’ve developed a process that takes me a little deeper into a situation and helps me to really understand what is happening on the other side of the fence, to use an analogy.

A great example would be the get together I just had, which I referred to above. Basically, I found myself in a situation where I could not grasp what this person was trying to express. I took a different thought process of internally questioning every thing, such as any person or outcome that could possibly be impacted by this persons view point. That really helped me to dive deeper into truly understanding the many aspects of the situation and what the impact of that situation could be elsewhere.

For me, simply trying to feel sympathetic or empathetic is about digging deeper and questioning inside myself…….. the unknown factor of who, what, why, where and when? On occasion, the right situation will allow you to ask those questions out load. Trying to look at another person’s perspective or situation on one level is a hard thing to do. I like to look at that person’s perspective or situation on many different levels.

Remember, a situation is not always what it appears to be. A man was driving home from work one day, he stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near his home. As he sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, he asked one of the boys what the score was. “We’re behind 14 to nothing,” the boy answered with a smile. “Really,” said the man. “I have to say you don’t look very discouraged”. “Discouraged?” the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. “Why should we be discouraged? We haven’t been up to bat yet”.

The phrase “pills don’t teach skills” is one of the most accurate and impacting statements I’ve heard during my period of dealing with ADD. Not a bad name for a Blog either!! It took a while for me to understand and truly grasp the impact of this statement. I read it, I heard it from two doctors and my ADD coach.

So, what exactly did I need to do? I needed to completely understand my challenges, how they impacted me and overcome them. There were two steps I took in order to overcome my challenges, 1. start medication and 2. learning and maintaining new life skills. Taking medication, that was the easy part. I did very well with that, the pill went in my mouth and down it went with a quick sip of water. Joking aside, that was just the beginning and the medication allowed my brain to be ready to learn and retain new skills. This is of course a simplified description of what occurred.

Once I started my medication, I began the hardest part of my learning, I became consumed by coaching, books, internet research, practicing news skills and dedicating myself to beating ADD. I opened up to as many possible ways to beat ADD as possible. Unfortunately, many people will resist looking inward. I had to come up with the courage to look at myself inside and improve how I reacted outside my body and mind. Here is what I focused on over an intense two year period:

- Self Awareness
- Coaching
- Books
- Listening
- Speaking
- Relationships
- Thinking
- Managing Stress
- Exercise/Nutrition
- Relaxing
- Working
- Children/Parenting

After focusing on all these areas of self improvement intensely for two years in combination with medication, I started to see and feel results. Many of the things that challenged me no longer did or the impact was lessened. I finally felt like all of my work and efforts were being rewarded. The amount of effort, time and dedication I channeled in to working through ADD had paid off and I understood the often heard phrase, “pills don’t teach skills”.

If you are old enough to remember or you are a music fan, “Communication Breakdown” is a song by English rock band Led Zeppelin, from their 1969 debut album Led Zeppelin. It was one of the first songs that Jimmy Page and Robert Plant worked on together.

I think we’ve all had some communication breakdowns at various points of our lives and in relationships. When I reflect back on my past, I can see where ADD affected the various relationships in my life, be it personal or business. However, there were both positive and negative ways my relationships were impacted.

Most people with ADD are creative, offer high levels of energy and are also spontaneous. These traits or characteristics bring many wonderful things into a relationship. What a person with ADD needs to be aware of, is that typical ADD’ers can lack communication skills, will interrupt others and can be forgetful. Ultimately, this impacts communication in any relationship.

According to About.com, the most often heard complaint about relationships with an ADD’er, is that person refuses to seek treatment. I feel fortunate for having sought treatment and developing the necessary skills and thought processes to communicate effectively. In my experience, I found there were a number of key areas that I worked on which have delivered benefits, such as:
- Learning to listen
- Listening without interrupting
- Being more empathetic
- Learning more about a situation or topic being communicated with an individual
- Learning that a slower well thought out response is worth the wait, instead of a quick inaccurately relayed message (a.ka. foot in mouth)

All simple things, but challenges that are typical for most ADD’ers to be aware of and work on. If an ADD’er can harness their creative, energetic and spontaneous nature, they can be hard to stop on the road to success!!

It’s healthy to be able to laugh at yourself sometimes. Charles Schulz the creator of the Charlie Brown/Peanuts comic strip once said “If I were given the opportunity to present a gift to the next generation, it would be the ability for each individual to learn to laugh at himself.” So, lets start now…here is an ADD joke for you;

Two ADDers were sitting at the table of the local diner. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

“I got a cookbook once,” said one, “but I could never do anything with it.”

“Too much fancy work in it, eh?” asked the other.

“You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way: ‘Take a clean dish…’”

Lots more ADD jokes to chuckle at on this site.
http://user.cybrzn.com/~kenyonck/add/add_jokes.htm

Are you a parent who has ADD? Do you know a parent who has ADD? Welcome to the club!! Unfortunately, there are no loyalty points in this club.

Raising children at the best of times is a lot of work and presents a lifetime of challenges for any parent. Challenges can be magnified when a parent has ADD. Fortunately, the majority of adults respond well to treatment. It is estimated that upwards of 6% of the adult population has ADD. 40% of children who have ADD have at least one parent who also meets the criteria for diagnosis, so say the folks at BestSyndication.com.

If ADD is part of your parenting equation, or someone you know, I just may have a tip that could help out. Are you ready? Here it is…….be proactive.

Yup, that’s it. Seems more like commonsense doesn’t it? That’s not the case when dealing with ADD. As I have worked successfully through the challenges of ADD, one topic that has come up with my ADD Coach Pete Quily (yes, this is an endorsement and shameless plug) is having a parenting plan with my kids. I’m referring in this case to planning in one week increments, exactly what I plan on doing with my kids. Taking a proactive approach eases the stress of last minute planning, keeps you focused and maximizes the experiences with the kids.

You may have experienced just hanging out with your kids and a conversation that includes the comment “what are we going to do”? I have found it very effective to plan these one week periods with my kids and the results are clearly saying, it works! I take 5 minutes on a Sunday to plan and schedule activities with my kids for the week. This includes things like reading night, games night, games related to homework, social get togethers, play dates and most importantly………….some down time to give them a well deserved break too.

All too often people in general don’t proactively plan. This is also true when it comes to interacting with kids. To sound like a cliché or maybe even a bad Whitney Houston song, the children are our future!! We plan business meetings proactively, we proactively plan construction projects, flight paths of airlines, a dinner party and even the errands to do on the weekend. Yet for some reason, why don’t we consider planning activities with kids as something that should be done proactively? It works, really!

As a continuation to my post on August 8th 2007, just wanted to offer some additional feedback. I’ve received a couple great comments on the post and it doesn’t stop there. I’ve taken a more open approach to discussing ADD and the comments & support have been outstanding from everyone I’ve spoken with.

This offers further support, that ADD is becoming much more recognized and accepted today. The acceptance and understanding is not yet where it needs to be, but we’ll get there!

A very common trait of people impacted with ADD, is the challenge of listening. Heck, who’s kidding who, it’s a common trait with most people!! Maintaining interest is hard when the ability to focus or concentrate is not what it should be for a person.

I recall being younger and sitting in school, or participating in business meetings and wondering what had just been said over the past 2 minutes. At times, I felt like I had completely checked out of reality and physically gone some where on a mental vacation. That’s one of the up-hill battles in learning to manage ADD and I hope that what I’m about to share with you will be of benefit to you or someone you know who is challenged by ADD.

In my experience with ADD, I have done a lot to work through the challenges including medication, ADD coaching and various other efforts. All have been great and delivered wonderful results. I was recently reminded of one simple little action that allows me to focus when listening to a person speaking.

I coach my son’s hockey team and trying to get a large group of 7 year olds to focus and listen on the ice can be a big job. One of the other coaches who is very involved in the association with the kids said something to the kids, when a few of them were not paying attention. It reminded me of what I do to focus when I’m listening. He said “I want you to listen with your eyes”.

There were obviously a hand full of kids who thought that was pretty funny, however one 7 year old actually knew what the coach meant. The 7 year olds reply was, “it means I should look right in your eyes when you are talking coach!”. From that point on, you could see each of those kids looking at the coaches when we spoke.

The same holds true for adults with ADD. When you need to listen and focus on what someone is saying, look them straight in the eye. This action establishes a connection, helps to keep you focused and ultimately……makes you a better listener.

While a mental get away has its place and is OK on occasion, staying focused in a conversation and listening with your eyes allows you to avoid those moments when you realize………you have just taken that mental vacation, at the wrong time.

For me, ADD and exercise go hand-in-hand. One of the best kept secrets about managing ADD is, participation in exercise or physical activity. Now, we all know that exercise can have benefits; it can improve your cardiovascular fitness and muscular endurance. This will result in the general improvement of your well being.

Studies confirm and show that exercise increases levels of two key brain chemicals, dopamine and norepinephrine. These chemicals help people focus. So, if we “connect the dots”, it’s rather obvious that if someone with ADD exercises………….their brain will produce dopamine and norepinephrine resulting in increased focus.

Perfect, the problem of ADD is solved!! Well, not really. The difficulty is that by the next day, the effect of exercise has worn off, including the increased levels of dopamine and norepinephrine in our brains. In my case, daily exercise was the action I chose and it has delivered results. The most important thing in establishing any level of exercise, is to consult your Doctor and be sure to exercise within your capabilities. For me, I work out every day. My workouts include running 10km, weights at the gym, biking, ice hockey, roller blading, squash and a good old fashion walk sometimes.

No matter what I do, exercise helps me to keep my focus, burn off excess energy, melt away frustration and places me in better state of being. I was recently away on a trip with my kids and found working out to be a challenge. During that time I noticed I was more irritable and less focused. Upon my return home, getting back into my daily exercise routine got me back on track. So, the secret formula consists of one part ADD and one part exercise. Combined, you get ADDercise. What is your next ADDercise activity? Quick, someone notify Wikipedia …..I think I’ve just created a new word!

September is upon us once again, it’s my favorite time of the year! Another September Morn, as in morning….not mourning. In fact a crisp cool September Morn is as far away from mourning for me as possible.

September brings so much opportunity, change and excitement for me and most people I know. The school year starts for my kids (thank goodness), business starts to get back into full speed after many people have vacationed and slowed down in August. Hockey season is getting closer, football season is upon us, the baseball playoffs are just on the horizon and the change of season is refreshing and exhileratiting. Sorry to sound like info-commercial selling something, but if you are like most people…………September is likely offering you a lot of change and opportunity as well.

With so much on the calendar this month, I’ll pose two simple questions to you;

a) What opportunities are before you this month?
b) What is your plan to take advantage of these opportunities?

No matter what great and exciting things lay before you in September, we all need to take an organized, planned and smoothly executed process forward in order to take advantage of any opportunity. Sounds like the perfect self-challenge for anyone with ADD to look at our planning and follow through. In many cases, ADD does impact the process of planning and follow through. What has worked wonders for me is a process that involves these three steps:

1. Identify one opportunity I have
2. Create a plan of what I need to do to take advantage of this opportunity to succeed.
3. Schedule and plan when I need to follow through with specific tasks that will allow me to succeed.

Ah yes, September Morn……..also a great song by Neil Diamond. Check these lyrics out from September Morn;

And look how far we’ve come
So far from where we used to be
But not so far that we’ve forgotten
How it was before

Take that and do what you will…….. and enjoy September!

While it may not be as big of a publicity machine as Football Night in America featuring Bob Costas & Cris Collinsworth, or Hockey Night in Canada with Ron MacLean & Don Cherry……it’s National AD/HD Awareness Day, which will be celebrated this year on September 19. Please check out the Attention Deficit Disorder Association web site for more information at

http://www.add.org/awareness/index.html

I love the ADDA byline on their website…… “we raise AD/HD awareness and empower AD/HD individuals to live full and successful lives!”